Setting boundaries sounds simple in theory. We are often told to “just say no,” “protect your peace,” or “stop people-pleasing.” But in real life, boundaries can feel complicated. Saying no, asking for space, or expressing a need may bring up guilt, anxiety, fear, sadness, or the worry that we are being selfish.
If setting boundaries feels uncomfortable for you, you are not alone. Boundaries are not just about communication. They are often connected to our relationships, family roles, culture, attachment patterns, nervous system responses, and past experiences of being misunderstood, criticized, rejected, or dismissed.
Why Boundaries Can Bring Guilt
Guilt often shows up when we believe we have done something wrong. However, guilt can also appear when we are doing something healthy but unfamiliar, such as honouring our limits.
For many people, saying “no” can feel like disappointing someone. You may find yourself thinking:
“I should be able to handle this.”
“They are going to be upset with me.”
“I am being rude.”
“What if they think I do not care?”
“What if this changes the relationship?”
These thoughts can make it tempting to over-explain, apologize repeatedly, or say yes when you really want to say no. Over time, this can lead to resentment, emotional exhaustion, and feeling disconnected from your own needs.
Research on self-silencing can help explain why this happens. Self-silencing refers to holding back your thoughts, feelings, or needs in order to maintain connection or avoid conflict. A 2021 meta-analysis found a moderate positive relationship between self-silencing and depression, suggesting that repeatedly suppressing one’s needs in relationships can be connected to emotional distress (Pintea & Gatea, 2021).
Family Expectations and People-Pleasing
Many people learn their first lessons about boundaries within their families. In some homes, boundaries are respected and encouraged. In others, saying no may be viewed as disrespectful, selfish, dramatic, or ungrateful.
Family expectations can be especially complex when love, loyalty, caregiving, culture, religion, or community values are involved. For some people, being a “good” child, sibling, partner, friend, or family member becomes tied to self-sacrifice. You may have learned that keeping the peace matters more than expressing your feelings.
Family closeness and responsibility can be meaningful sources of support and identity. At the same time, when family expectations leave little room for personal needs, they can feel emotionally heavy. Research on emerging adults found that perceived familial expectations were related to depressive symptoms and self-esteem, with important cultural differences across Latinx, Asian, and White young adults (Mejia et al., 2022).
People-pleasing often begins as a way to protect connection. If conflict felt unsafe, if approval felt conditional, or if others’ emotions felt unpredictable, you may have learned to monitor everyone around you. You may have become skilled at noticing changes in tone, anticipating needs, avoiding disagreement, or making yourself easier to be around.
This does not mean anything is wrong with you. It may mean your nervous system learned that connection depends on staying agreeable.
When Self-Silencing Becomes a Pattern
Self-silencing can sound like:
“It is fine,” when it is not fine.
“I do not mind,” when you do mind.
“Whatever works for you,” when something does not work for you.
“I do not want to cause a problem,” when you are already hurting.
A 2020 narrative review on self-silencing and women’s mental health highlighted how social and cultural expectations can influence people to silence their thoughts, feelings, and needs in close relationships (Emran et al., 2020). While the review focused on women’s mental health, the idea of self-silencing can resonate with many people who have learned to prioritize others at the expense of themselves.
You may notice this pattern if you often feel resentful after agreeing to things, avoid certain people because you feel drained, feel anxious when someone asks something of you, shut down during conflict, or feel responsible for everyone’s emotions.
These reactions are not signs that you are weak. They may be signs that your boundaries need care and attention.
Boundaries as Care, Not Rejection
A common fear is that boundaries will push people away. However, healthy boundaries are not about punishing others, controlling others, or rejecting connection. Boundaries are about creating clarity around what is okay, what is not okay, and what you have capacity for.
A boundary can sound like:
“I care about you, and I am not available to talk about this right now.”
“I want to support you, but I do not have the capacity today.”
“I need some time to think before I respond.”
“I am not comfortable discussing that.”
“I can help for one hour, but I cannot stay longer.”
“I hear that you are upset, but I still need to make this decision for myself.”
Boundaries can actually support healthier relationships because they reduce resentment and increase honesty. When we communicate our limits, we give others a clearer understanding of how to be in relationship with us.
Self-compassion can also help. A scoping review of peer-reviewed literature found that self-compassion is associated with a wide range of benefits in close relationships, including how people think, feel, and behave with family members, friends, romantic partners, and other close connections (Lathren et al., 2021). In other words, being kind to yourself does not mean you care less about others. It may help you relate in a more grounded, honest, and sustainable way.
Gentle Boundary Statements You Can Practice
If boundaries feel new, it can help to start with simple and respectful language. You do not need to over-explain, defend, or apologize repeatedly.
Try practicing statements such as:
“I am not able to commit to that right now.”
“I need to check my schedule before I say yes.”
“I understand this matters to you. I need some time to think.”
“I am not available for that conversation today.”
“I care about our relationship, and I want to be honest about what I can manage.”
“I can support you, but I cannot be the only person supporting you.”
“I am going to step away and come back to this when I feel calmer.”
“I know this may be disappointing, but my answer is no.”
At first, these statements may feel uncomfortable. That does not mean you are doing them wrong. New boundaries often feel unfamiliar before they feel empowering.
How Therapy Can Help You Practice Boundaries Safely
Therapy can offer a safe and supportive space to explore why boundaries feel hard, where the guilt comes from, and what fears show up when you begin expressing your needs.
For some people, boundary work involves learning communication skills. For others, it means exploring deeper patterns, such as fear of rejection, family expectations, anxiety, shame, trauma responses, or long-standing beliefs about being “too much,” “selfish,” or “not enough.”
Research also supports the value of assertiveness training. A 2024 randomized controlled trial found that assertiveness training was associated with reduced stress, anxiety, and depression among college students (ElBarazi et al., 2024). Assertiveness does not mean being harsh or aggressive. It means learning how to express your needs, feelings, and limits in a way that respects both yourself and others.
In therapy, practicing boundaries may include identifying body cues, challenging guilt-based thoughts, role-playing difficult conversations, exploring family and cultural expectations, and building confidence one small step at a time.
Most importantly, therapy can help you set boundaries in a way that still feels connected to your values. The goal is not to become cold, detached, or uncaring. The goal is to build relationships where your care for others does not require abandoning yourself.
If setting boundaries brings up guilt, anxiety, or fear, you do not have to work through it alone. With support, it is possible to learn that your needs matter, your limits are valid, and healthy connection does not require self-silencing.
Boundaries are not walls. They are pathways toward more honest, respectful, and sustainable relationships, with others and with yourself.
If you are struggling with people-pleasing, guilt, or setting boundaries, therapy can help you explore these patterns in a safe and supportive space.
If this article resonated with you, Quratulann, RP (Qualifying) is part of our clinical team and supports clients who are working to develop a stronger sense of agency, self-worth and healthy boundaries. If you’re interested in exploring whether therapy could help, book a consultation with Quratulann here.
This blog is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, diagnosis, or crisis support.
References
ElBarazi, A. S., Mohamed, F., Mabrok, M., Adel, A., Abouelkheir, A., Ayman, R., Mustfa, M., Elmosallamy, M., Yasser, R., & Mohamed, F. (2024). Efficiency of assertiveness training on the stress, anxiety, and depression levels of college students: Randomized control trial. Journal of Education and Health Promotion, 13, 203.
Emran, A., Iqbal, N., & Dar, I. A. (2020). Silencing the self and women’s mental health problems: A narrative review. Asian Journal of Psychiatry, 53, 102197.
Lathren, C. R., Rao, S. S., Park, J., & Bluth, K. (2021). Self-compassion and current close interpersonal relationships: A scoping literature review. Mindfulness, 12, 1078–1093.
Mejia, Y., Supple, A. J., Plunkett, S. W., Kulish, A. L., & Stein, G. L. (2022). The role of perceived familial expectations on depressive symptoms and self-esteem in emerging adulthood: A cultural analysis. Emerging Adulthood, 10(4), 971–977.
Pintea, S., & Gatea, A. (2021). The relationship between self-silencing and depression: A meta-analysis. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 40(4), 333–358.
